Health Series XIII: Miscarriage: The Unseen Grief-Miriam Ike

By

Miriam Ike, Ibadan.

A few days ago, the world paused to remember a heart-breaking reality that often remains unspoken—World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The pain of losing a child, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, is an indescribable ache. It’s the loss of dreams, hopes, and a future that will never be. Its grief wrapped in silence, often misunderstood, and sometimes dismissed.

Today, let’s break that silence. Let’s talk about miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss, not just as statistics, but as real experiences that affect families emotionally, mentally, and physically. More importantly, let’s learn how we can offer support and care to anyone who has endured this heartbreaking loss.

Miscarriage: The Unseen Grief

For many, pregnancy brings excitement, the joy of new life growing inside, and the anticipation of holding a newborn. But for some, this dream shatters suddenly with a miscarriage. A miscarriage, the loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week, affects about 1 in 4 pregnancies. Yet, it’s often wrapped in shame and silence.

When a woman miscarries, she doesn't just lose a pregnancy—she loses a child, a future, and a piece of herself. The physical pain can be overwhelming, but the emotional and mental toll is often heavier. Questions flood her mind: "Why did this happen?" "Could I have done something differently?"* The guilt, though misplaced, can be unbearable.

But let’s be clear: miscarriages are not the mother’s fault. They happen for various reasons—genetic abnormalities, infections, or health conditions—but they are not a reflection of the woman’s worth or her ability to be a mother.

Image credit: ImageFx

How to Support Someone Going Through a Miscarriage

Supporting someone who has experienced a miscarriage can be difficult because words often feel inadequate. But your presence and compassion can make all the difference. Here’s how you can help:

1. Acknowledge their loss: Avoid dismissing their grief with phrases like "At least it was early" or "You can always try again." Instead, say something like, "I’m so sorry for your loss" or "I’m here for you."

2. Give space for grief: Everyone grieves differently. Some may want to talk about their loss, while others may retreat into silence. Let them lead the way and support them in whatever way feels right for them.

3. Offer practical help: Simple gestures like delivering meals, helping with household chores, or running errands can be a great relief during such a difficult time.

4. Remember anniversaries: The due date or the date of the miscarriage might be significant to the grieving parents. A thoughtful note or message on those dates can offer comfort and remind them that they are not alone.

Stillbirth: The Silent Tragedy

Unlike miscarriage, stillbirth occurs when a baby dies in the womb after the 20th week of pregnancy. The mother endures the pain of labour, only to be met with the silence of loss instead of the cries of new life. One in every 160 pregnancies ends in stillbirth, and like miscarriage, stillbirth is often met with silence and discomfort from those who don’t know how to approach the topic.

For parents, stillbirth is not just the loss of a child but the loss of everything they had imagined for that child’s life. They’ve already dreamed of first steps, first words, birthdays, and holidays. The emptiness that follows a stillbirth is profound, and the healing journey can be long and lonely.

Infant Loss: Grieving the Life That Was Too Short

Losing an infant, whether from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) or health complications, is an unimaginable pain. Holding a child in your arms, seeing their tiny face, and then losing them is a grief that is difficult to put into words.

For many parents, infant loss feels like losing a part of themselves. The house becomes filled with reminders—empty cribs, baby clothes that will never be worn, and toys that will never be played with. The pain is raw, and it lasts for years, if not a lifetime.

Image credit: ImageFx

Caring for Those Who Have Lost a Baby

Whether it’s through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, losing a baby can lead to deep emotional and psychological wounds. Here are some ways you can be there for someone experiencing this pain:

1. Be present and listen: Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is sit with someone in their grief and let them talk, cry, or simply be silent. Your presence can be a balm to their broken heart.

2. Validate their feelings: Losing a child is one of the most devastating experiences, and those who go through it often feel isolated. Let them know their grief is valid and that they don’t have to “move on” or “get over it” quickly.

3. Help memorialize their child: Many parents who experience loss want their child to be remembered. Offer to help create a memory box, plant a tree, or write a letter to their lost baby. These acts of remembrance can be deeply healing.

4. Encourage professional support: Grieving the loss of a child may require professional help. Gently encourage the parents to seek therapy or support groups, where they can connect with others who understand their pain.

Signs, Types, and Causes of Miscarriage

Miscarriage often comes with signs that can be alarming, such as vaginal bleeding, severe cramping, and the passing of tissue or clots. It’s essential to seek medical help if you or someone you know experiences these symptoms.

There are various types of miscarriages, including:

• Threatened miscarriage: Symptoms suggest a miscarriage may happen, but the pregnancy may still continue.

• Inevitable miscarriage: Heavy bleeding and cervix dilation signal that the miscarriage is unavoidable.

• Incomplete miscarriage: Only part of the pregnancy tissue is expelled from the uterus, requiring further medical intervention.

• Complete miscarriage: All pregnancy tissue is expelled.

• Missed miscarriage: The foetus dies but is not expelled from the uterus immediately.

Miscarriages can happen due to chromosomal abnormalities, hormonal imbalances, infections, or uterine issues, but in most cases, they aren’t preventable. Mental health support is vital for those coping with this grief.

A Call to Action: Let’s Break the Silence

Pregnancy and infant loss should not be hidden in the shadows. If you or someone you know has experienced this loss, know that you are not alone. Let’s create a culture where grief is acknowledged, where silence is broken, and where those who have lost a baby are given the space and support they need to heal.

This October, as we remember the lives that were lost too soon, let’s offer a hand, a shoulder, or a word of comfort to those who carry this pain with them every day. Speak out. Share your story. And if you haven’t experienced this loss, take a moment to listen to those who have. Together, we can create a world where the pain of pregnancy and infant loss is met with understanding and compassion.

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Let’s remember and support all families who have experienced loss—today and always.

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